Child of Divorce
I used to think of divorce as a bad thing. “My parents,” I’d think, “are better than that.” In my mind, it was a personal failing if you weren’t able to work out conflicts with your spouse.
Keep in mind that at the time of these thoughts I was 13. Much of my understanding of love, relationships and marriage came from The Lion King and Aladdin. Not particularly the most sophisticated or reliable sources.
My parents divorced when I was 18, just before I went off to college. After the divorce (AD), my entire world turned upside down. My family had always been at the very core of all my actions, beliefs, values…everything. I had always believed whole-heartedly in my parents’ marriage. And if that belief didn’t pan out, what else had I been wrong about?
I started asking myself questions I had never asked before.
Is marriage hard? Before the divorce (BD) my answer was a resounding no! It just took a white dress and big ceremony to make a happily ever after! (A wish-granting genie was even thrown in for the lucky ones.) But AD, things changed. The dissolution of my parents’ relationship made me face the fact that marriage isn’t easy. Perhaps it doesn’t sound sexy, but marriage is hard work.
Is everything black and white? BD (and for awhile after). I viewed my parents’ divorce as a one-sided mistake. One person was wrong. One was right. It was a simple black and white issue. As time went on, I realized that every divorce has two sides, and most often, both sides are to blame. It was important for me to recognize this. Not only because it allowed me to heal my relationships with both my parents, but also because
I realized that in my life I often assumed others were to blame for my problems. This was a turning point for that attitude.
Am I ‘doomed‘ to follow the same path as my parents? A year and a half AD, my sister got divorced as well. This rocked my world even more than my parents’ divorce. It seemed as if I was third in line to the throne. It took a long time (and a fair amount of talking to a psychologist) to decide that I could learn from these mistakes instead of just repeating them. I also realized that if I were to get divorced, it wouldn’t be because I had been doomed from the start. It would happen as a result of a choice.
Why didn’t I know relationships were hard work in the first place? This is a question that still provides some lingering frustration today.
I feel my generation (at least the women) has had a huge disadvantage in preparing for relationships. We are given Barbies and Ken dolls. We are shown princesses who always find their perfect prince. We’re told all things end with happily ever after. I’m not saying we should end children’s stories with, “and two years later, prince and princess got a divorce.” But how about something along the lines of:
“ The prince and the princess had some hard times in their marriage, but they worked on their relationship every day, and in the end, were fantastically happy to be together.”
Okay, so maybe it doesn’t have quite the same ring, but really, how was I ever supposed to know relationships are hard if no one ever took the time to tell me? Whose responsibility is that (um, parents!)? No one wants to spill the beans to kids and young adults, but someone has to do it!
I hope that we can become more honest with future generations of women and men. Let’s set them up for success by giving them the tools to solve relationship problems. Let’s not hide behind the façade of a smile when things are far from perfect.
Let’s be real.
It took two divorces to wake me up and really make me believe that while ‘chick flicks’ and ‘chick lit’ may be entertaining, and Aladdin and Jasmine (still manage to) warm my heart, real life isn’t a fairy tale—and that’s a good thing.
Though I’ve never seen any family member or friend around me getting divorced, personally I feel it is much better to dissolve a relationship than to maintain a bad one. I mean, if two people are not meant for each other, why would they struggle to be together?
That said, my own breakup several months ago taught me one thing – be responsible – for this I agree with the author but in another way. As I was working super-hard to cement our relationship he was stepping back – I learnt my biggest mistake was to be with him, that I chose the wrong person. He might not be a bad guy, but at least he is not suitable for me. So I took my part of the responsibility, the right part.
I’m not saying that future generations do not need to be equipped with problem-solving abilities, but as far as I’m concerned – it’s more important to teach them how to make decisions and be responsible for their own choices and well-being.
I’m a child of divorce as well and this was an amazing piece. Incredibly well written and insanely true. I don’t know what more to add.
McKenzie, thanks for your praise, I really appreciate it! It’s taken me awhile to put the right words to what I’ve felt, and I’m glad that it could reach you in some way.
Sylvia–I completely agree with you on the responsibility side of things. That is also one of the huge things this has taught me…being able to recognize your side of the equation is important to growing up, being mature and moving on. Thanks so much for your input.
Kate,
I find it interesting that you say your generation was brought up on Ken and Barbie and tales of princes and princesses. I’m 46 years old and my generation was brought up the same. It is somewhat distressing to think that we have not done better for our daughters.
I married at 18 and had two children by the time I was 20. My husband and I are both children of divorce. We have been married for 28 years because we are both committed to the relationship.
(For Sylvia–the key word in the last sentence is ‘both.’ You are not responsible for his committment. If one is not committed, the other is right to let go.)
You make excellent points about blame and responsibility. I spent years blaming my parents for the opportunities I was denied because of their divorce. But as a parent myself, I had to take responsibility for my own life and those lives that depended upon me. After my children had grown, I started college. I doesn’t matter where you come from; where you are going is a personal choice.
First I’d like to say that I enjoyed the article, being a child of divorce I understand that it’s not always the easiest subject to talk about.
My parents divorced before I turned 1, and have barely talked since, using me and my sister as their way of communication. It’s definitely difficult to deal with, especially since I wasn’t alive to see where it all went wrong.
The part of your article I liked the best was when you said “As time went on, I realized that every divorce has two sides, and most often, both sides are to blame.”
This is something that took me a lot longer to learn, but being so young when it happened, this is expected.
Again, interesting article and thanks for sharing your story.
This article brings up a lot of interesting points that reminds me of the recent NYT article on the Obamas and their marriage. In it, the FLOTUS mentioned the very things that you mention in this post. No fairy tales – it’s hard work to make a marriage work.
Great article! And I can definitely relate. I have ALWAYS said that if my parents divorce–they’ve been married 35 years and are the only people in my extended family that have never been divorced–my entire world would fall apart and I would have absolutely zero faith in marriage. Even though they are still happily married today, I’ve seen so many family and friends get divorced that I honestly believe IF I ever get married, I will get a divorce, too.
Looking at the relationships around me for the past few years, I’ve realized that I’m not just going to find this person that’s perfect for me. Most of the married couples I know, I won’t say settled, but sometimes wonder if they married the right person. That rocked my world. How will I ever know if someone is right for me? Or am I going always going to wonder if there’s someone better out there? Since I’m still in the always-want-what-I-can’t-have mode, I can only pray that as I get older I’ll figure things out.
I'm a child of divorce as well and this was an amazing piece. Incredibly well written and insanely true. I don't know what more to add.