Match.com
By David Ricaud: “I live and breathe teenage melodramas. I am a gay man with a sharp tongue and, ironically, a kind spirit. No apologies.”
I meet men on the Internet. As a gay man, I realize those words evoke dark alleys, desolate latrines, and disease-infested backrooms. I have no apologies. Or, at least, I tell myself that. I don’t meet men online for sex. Honestly. I meet them because I (get ready to gag) want something more.
This summer, I realized that sleeping alone every night—well, almost every night—was no longer a long-term option. I’ve heard the stories about gay men sowing their wild oats year after year, suddenly morphing into creepy old guys, losing their friends to AIDS, and—choke—dying alone. That life cycle, I admit, is my darkest fear.
Solution: Online dating. Definitely not gay bars. Too loud. Unapproachable men (until the fifth drink, at least). And just breathtakingly overwhelming. If Mother knew this, she would suffer an anxiety attack. I can hear her now: “David, is that safe? How do you know these people aren’t going to rape and kill you?” Mother dearest, online dating is the new way to meet people. In fact, I think it’s just as safe and that meeting people in bars is just as dangerous. Flesh and bones can lie just as easily as an intangible online persona.
Young online daters form a secret society; everyone does it, but no one talks about it. While most of my friends embrace this new dating medium, they are truly ashamed to admit to it. I recently asked a co-worker how she met her boyfriend. She broke eye contact and stuttered, “Oh, at, uh, a bar.” I could smell online dating. After some probing, she confessed and begged, “Please, please don’t tell anyone.”
I started using OkCupid.com, a free dating Web site with plenty of cute, upwardly mobile prospects. I online-winked at a few lookers and, by mid-July, racked up 21 dates with 12 different men.
I tried to have fun with it; in fact, I gave each prospect a nickname. Say hi if you ever meet The Robot, The Bulgarian, The Witch, or The Pianist. Not the most creative names, I realize, but I had to preserve my sanity somehow. Much to my chagrin, all went south after date number three. I hated my phone. And I hated my friends for texting me when I was expecting a call from one of the many hims.
“WTF was wrong with me?,” I asked myself. That summer, I worked hard to be the next Adam Lambert: I lost 30 pounds, restyled my hair, and bought a new wardrobe. Finally, when The Bulgarian told me, “I really like you and think we will be a great couple—but there’s just one problem: I feel no chemistry because you look too much like my uncle,” I nearly resigned myself to ManHunt.com. Let’s just say it’s not a dating site.
Then, my friend Zoe, on a similar mission, said Match.com was the answer. I had no idea why, but I went ahead and paid the $106 fee for six months. It was a waste of money. Even fewer people responded to my messages or pokes. I considered going to Club Cafe, a Boston gay bar, and handing out surveys with self-serving questions like, “Using a seven-point scale, rate the following qualities of David Ricaud: hair, eyes, mouth, torso, and more.”
I had to find–and fix–the problem.
Eventually, through Match, I connected with Workin’ Girl (no, it was a boy). We met downtown in Boston, had a few drinks, and spent the night together. Afterwards, we chatted online and met a second time for Chipotle. It was fun. I liked him, and he liked me. He lives in Bridgewater, though, and I live in the city. Essentially, the distance killed the relationship. But, months later, we’re still friendly.
Then, I met two other guys. One was training to be a nurse while the other enjoyed swimming in quarries at 2AM. I spent a considerable amount of time with both of them before the chemistry fizzled out. But that was somehow okay. These guys were genuinely interested in getting to know me. It wasn’t a date-and-dump situation.
I often hear the question, “Why would I pay for online dating when I can get it for free?” I know the answer—I think. Premium dating sites are an indicator of genuine interest in finding love. Anyone can flippantly join OkCupid and meet people for a short-term relationship. On Match, though, they pay. They’re serious about dating, which explains the low rate of returned e-mails. If you go on a date with someone from Match, exceptions aside, chances are . . . you have already truly piqued that person’s interest.
For nearly two months, I have been seeing someone from Match.com. Perhaps, given my situation, I have a bias toward Match. Indeed, I know of two serious couples who met through OkCupid. But, then, there’s the question of patience. Finding a boyfriend is akin to finding a job. Online dating helps.
Fellow gen-Yers, don’t be ashamed. Live it; love it; date it. My name is David, and I am a Match.com-aholic.
Photo Credit: bixentro
One thing I’ve learned from my friends is that we (gen y) are certainly using online dating sites, we just don’t broadcast that we’re doing it. It’s not bad to meet people online, in fact it really makes a lot of sense–if you’re not the bar hopping type it’s likely the person you’re looking for isn’t either; so then why go out at all? Further, of the two models out there it seems to me that OKCupid type sites are favored over the Match.com model, as the latter sets up dates for you and the former lets you browse profiles and make your own decisions.
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This post was mentioned on Twitter by edwardboches: Online dating is the “new normal,” straight or gay. http://bit.ly/8h6pu9 new post on #tngg…
I had roughly the opposite experience in terms of using Match vs. OKCupid; as a straight male I was getting a lot more reponses, and more interesting dates via OKC than via Match. Most didn’t go past date 1 or 2, but I’m currently in a relationship with an OKCupid match. One reason I’d consider rejecting a match is if they were ashamed of online dating.
I think part of it is that you have to consider the demographics of who uses each site. I initially went to eHarmony (and later Match) thinking that the for-pay sites would, as you indicate, have more serious users. I found however that that seemed to cut out too many interesting people, particularly in Boston (since I was looking exclusively locally) where many of the women I’d be interested in are students and therefore disinclined to spend money on a dating site. I can’t speak to OKC’s general pool, though I found that while I got fewer responses percentage wise on OKC, the pool in Boston was large enough that this was easily balanced out.
My mom used Match.com and she found the boyfriend that she has been with for a few years now. However, getting to that point was difficult. There were a few other guys before that who were assholes and her current boyfriend took a while to settle down with her.
Overall, I don’t think online dating is that bad. It is an outlet for people looking for love in today’s fast paced world.
PS- I’m originally from Bridgewater. I thought it was really interesting that you found someone from my hometown, even if it didn’t work out.
I have to say. Online dating has been a total disaster for me. I tend to find that most of the guys that tend to view my profile are often much, much, much older than me (like maybe old enough to be my creepy uncle) and are only interested in trysts of the non-dating kind. This is coming from someone who has tried out both Match.com and OKCupid, with the same rate of success (none) on both.
Maybe I need a tutorial though, since I’m not really one to go to a bar, get hammered, and then work up the courage to throw myself at some guy.
I just wanted to comment on how great this post itself is. I love how open and stream of consciousness your writing is. Your writing has great voice. Rock on!
David,
Great post. I had a bad experience on match.com, but I met a great friend through the match. I’ve been perusing with my free profile since, but haven’t found the effort and desire (or money) to get back to a subscription.
But I must say, anectodately, speaking with many of my friends near and far, it seems that it’s becoming more socially exceptable to look to online dating sites to find friends or potential relationships.
One fundamental issue, in my opinion: there’s an expectation. There’s an expectation that you’re on those online dating sites to find a match, a true love, or “the one.” That’s a lot of pressure if you’re walking into it just thinking you’ll browse around and look for non-serious dating. Buyer beware, better be serious if you’re looking to drop $30/month to date.
Again, great post.
Wow. I meant “anecdotally…”
“Date” was on my mind…
I keep thinking about the way trends change over time… optimistically, perhaps our generation will be reminiscing about our online dating days (and their success!?) to our children someday… I remember hearing about how my dad just called my mom up out of the blue – and they didn’t even know each other at all – and she agreed to a date. Well, look where that led her… two kids and 28 years later, they are still very happy.
We’re a different generation than our parents, and as online dating becomes more socially acceptable – by using it, even though there is limited talk about it – we are making it one of the most common ways that Generation Y is meeting potential partners. Posts like this will help us talk about it more!
Thanks for a great read.
I think online dating is a lot like a sample sale. There are a lot of gems, but you have to put the work in to find them. I went on a lot of bad dates before I met my boyfriend on Match and we’ve been together 4 years. He’s also what I think of as a catch, not some guy I scraped off the bottom of the barrel because I am desperate – 2 years older than me, shares my interests, outgoing and caring and a patent lawyer. What more could a girl want?
I also think that like a lot of social media it’s all about branding yourself. Making sure you have the right look and feel and writing things accordingly.
I do agree with you that I think it’s a little more accepted in our generation. I think particularly because we’re likely to move around so people are comfortable with using the internet to expand their social network whether that be Meetup to find new friends or a dating site for a significant other. The one thing I will say though is that a lot of the dating site advertising doesn’t resonate with me because I didn’t go in looking to get married, I went in looking to find someone great to spend right now with.
comaholic.net just he msg me onlin on blacbook thats whay i want to see his and contect with him
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