The N-Word, John Mayer, And The Mental Cost Of Sex

This article is part of the TNGG Sex Week series on Gen Y and sex. Read more from the series here.

When I mention John Mayer’s recent interview with Playboy magazine you probably assume, “Oh, great. He’s going to talk about the ‘nigger’ part,” because I’m a black writer and have to comment every time anyone uses the N-word.

So OK, I’ll talk about that first. I didn’t like it, but I understood it. I personally believe that if you are not black, and you choose to use the N-word, you should be prepared to deal with anything and everything that might and most certainly will, come at you as a result of your decision.

If you’re black and use the N-word, you should know in full consciousness that you are not enabling, empowering, or reclaiming anything. You are succumbing to a stereotype. You are taking the easy way out. Which is fine I guess, but you just need to be aware that you’re doing it.

I use it. You probably have, too. We’re even.

Mayer’s usage earned him tons of ridicule, but not as much as say, Michael Richards’ and rightly so. Why? Because Michael Richards was reckless while John Mayer was noting a widely used, seldom analyzed double standard.

I have a love-hate relationship with written interviews of certain musicians because as a communications major and a musician, I know that there is only so much of what a person is saying that can be appropriately conveyed on a page.

It is so easy to take words out of context when they have passed through the filters of the recording machine, then the writer, then numerous editors etc. What was the point of even talking to the guy? It’s his ten-word sound bite versus your 250-word explanation of what he “meant.” But that’s another blog post.

This one’s about sex. It is sex week after all. And in this interview, beneath thoroughly confused, often (seemingly) illogical ramblings about sex, life, and masturbation, lies a very critical universal truth that Mayer doesn’t seem to know he’s uncovered.

Here it is: Sex is tough, psychologically. Physically it might not ever take its toll on you, barring acquisition of an STD or childbearing, but mentally, every single time you have sex, it’s weighing on your psyche.

Throughout the interview there’s a deep sense of the way sexuality weighs on Mayer, through quotes like “I don’t equate sex with release, I equate it with tension. It’s given me a lot of pause. Somewhere in my brain it has probably really fucked me up,” and, “I grew up in my own head. As soon as I lose that control, once I have to deal with someone else’s desires, I cut and run.” You can almost read the level of the depth to which sex connects individuals, in his quote about Jennifer Aniston, “And I wouldn’t undo it, man. Because if it had worked out, I would have reaped the benefits.”

What is it about that act that is so complex? Why so many levels and layers to sexual interaction? It’s not just complex biologically, although it is indeed still a scientific mystery, but what happens to the mind has got to be the most interesting part of a sexual encounter. Somehow, you’re forever linked to the person, and whether you wish it to be or not, it’s not like boxing, “stick and move.” Everyone you have sex with, you develop some brain debilitating connection.

Now this might sound romantic but to a generation synonymous with “sexting,” “fun buddies,” and Lady Gaga, you best believe it’s going to hit us hardcore once we reach our older years. Just look at this quote from 32 year old John about viewing so much pornography,

“Twenty seconds ago you thought that photo was the hottest thing you ever saw, but you throw it back and continue your shot hunt and continue to make yourself late for work. How does that not affect the psychology of having a relationship with somebody? It’s got to.”

He’s right. Our casual approach to sexual behavior is growing, with 67% of us thinking premarital sex is OK and “sex” or “pornography” still rank in the top 10 queries in search engines.
Even our salads and altruistic endeavors are hyper sexualized. OK really I just wanted to link to that.

If we look at this holistically we can see that lots of sex has not been on the side of our parents and grandparents, or older ancestors for that matter. Maybe the wave of the future should be a mix of knowledge and purity where we know all we currently do about sex and because of that knowledge, we reserve a respectful, healthy fear of its effects.

I’m not saying let’s play a mass game of nuns and monks, but maybe aim for a pre-fruit salad Adam and Eve. Naked and happy.

Image: Source 1, Source 2

Author: Evan Roberts – I am a public relations student, soon to be professional. I have an off-color sense of humor [but no, it's not because I'm black. ] I’m into politics, fashion, food, music, soccer and technology amongst other things. I am a middle child. All opinions expressed are solely those of Evan Roberts and not that of his employers, family, friends or MacBook. There, I said it. Tweet me: @erob1