Is Facebook Ruining Dating for Gen Y?
As seen in my last post, social media is an integral part of my life, like many Gen Y’ers. However, I think that social media may be ruining a crucial part of our lives – dating. A surprising statement for someone that shares her life with strangers 24/7, but raise your hand if you’ve ever thought about taking your ex off your “friends” list before thinking about deleting them from your phone? [You can put your hand down now]
I know that being single and in your 20’s is perfectly normal. According to Pew Research only 21% of us are married, leaving 79% of us divorced, separated, in a relationship, or just – single. In fact, Adweek recently printed “The Power of One”, a must-read article that talks about the power of singles and their spending behavior, which is mostly being ignored by marketers. Okay, so now I no longer feel alone or ignored in my singledom – but that doesn’t mean I’ve stopped in my epic journey to find a mate, that is until Facebook got in my way.
I was lucky enough to escape through most of college with a normal dating life sans Facebook, as it was founded in 2004. But now that I think about it, I can’t really remember dating without knowing everyone’s every move, thought, and current relationship status via social media. I’ve been a part of the post-facebook dating apocalypse for too long already. Nowadays, it seems dating is ruled – or at least regulated – through our online lives with platforms like Facebook. When you meet someone IRL, you have an option of continuing the relationship online or offline. If you choose offline, you’ll call/text each other, meet up, and discover nuances and facts on each date and step of the relationship. But if you choose to go online, you are thrust into knowing everything you’ve never wanted to know about a potential suitor.
After you find out that they’re single (hopefully), you perform what we youngsters call “lurking”. You (meaning everyone does this) check out their profile page, where they went to school, their interests, even their favorite movies. Then you sheepishly move on to their photos, viewing key moments of importance in that person’s life. By the second actual date, you know things about this person that you wouldn’t normally know until months into real life dating. Even if you don’t chronically lurk the other person, the status updates in your feed reveals more about their daily life than you would get from regular phone calls or coffee dates. And that’s just the beginning of the relationship.
I was bombarded with stories from my Gen Y friends about the perils of dating and social media. Many of the horror stories revolved around the drama of virtual break-ups. My friend called out his ex on her Facebook wall for lying about why they broke up and caused a huge (virtual) scene. Most of these battles were described as (virtually) very epic, and very (virtually) public. What ever did our generation do before we could cause a commotion via wall postings.
Once it’s over – what my friend describes as the “race” to change your relationship status – there’s a huge decision to make. To unfriend, or not to unfriend? Many of my buddies choose to unfriend, removing an ex not only from their real lives, but social lives as well. But what if you keep your ex around? Is it really easier to accidently run into your ex with another person at the bar, instead of watching their wall fill up with adorable postings from someone new? I doubt it.
Where does this leave Gen Y? Much like our “move onto the next trend before the first one is over” spirit, how do we just take our time in relationships without letting Facebook in-between? Do we really need every painstaking detail of our intimate lives on social media? Where do we draw the line in privacy – and is dating past that line? What do you think is easier: exploring our adult dating lives outside of the internet, or using this social platform to find deeper connections and communicate the way we use it for everything else?
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Hi
I recently wrote a related blog which can be found at http://www.wownowjb.com/2010/05/tmithws/
As a Gen Xer just 60 days off being classified as a Gen Yer I probably straddale a few lines of “demographic norms” – having said that I feel we do throw ourselves at situations completely which lends itself to the matters you raised.
At the end of the day I think social media pro's out weigh the con's but we can't forget that it is people, being in relationship with others, that deliver lasting positive relationships and that social media is a medium to support that not replace it.
Thanks for the posts.
Jason Bradshaw
Agreed. For me, the pros far outweigh the cons. Even with all this talk about privacy, I still want – no, NEED – to connect using these platforms. It's all I really know! However, this dating with Facebook thing irks me to the point of blogging about it. It's making something already difficult, that much more intense! I love your “support not replace” line, great insight.
Thank you for the comment! Can't wait to catch up on your blog!
The guy I've been seeing is not a contact on Facebook. It's intentional, it's odd and I think it's detrimental. He feels too removed from my life.
I'm going to create an e-book on Facebook-Dating rules if you want to collaborate
In my personal experience and opinion, Facebook and social networking makes dating today, especially for Gen Y, significantly harder. You scrutinize the person you're with from every angle. You question even the smallest things. If you see that they're talking to someone you don't know, it's easy to become jealous. Everything becomes more complicated. And once you do have an “official relationship” in real life, when do you update your relationship status on social networks? Becoming “Facebook Official” has been coined by members of Gen Y as a definition for having a meaningful relationship. Breaking up is even more difficult. If you do chose to keep them as a Facebook friend, or something of that nature, you see their choices post-breakup. They can make you upset and it becomes a race for who can get over the relationship faster.
Facebook may be an important part of keeping us connected today, but at the same time, it also makes life more difficult. Dating and relationships are hard enough. Dating in the sphere of “web 2.0″ is even harder. It's all about how you chose to handle the issues that arise.
With that being said, it's not like Facebook and social networking are just going to go away. We need to adapt and learn how to use these tools better. Maybe the way dating and social networking interact won't change. I don't really see how it can. You can't change feelings. Ultimately, dating is a very emotionally involved process and websites like Facebook don't make it any easier.
People's own insecurities make it harder to date. Facebook just makes it easier to give in to them. Everything you described can be alleviated by just NOT doing that. But even though we may understand that intellectually, emotionally, we want to know everything.
Yet again, we are our own worst enemies. Only with new ways to screw ourselves over.
I totally agree! It's hard dating someone NOT on Facebook. They never know what you're up to, or where you're going for work trips, vacations, etc. I ended up in California once and he said “you never told me you were here!” – Whoops! Everyone else knew through status updates!
Sam – I totally understand your point. It's human nature, and it's damn hard to get over!
The problem is, is that MOST people will give into the curiosity, the jealousy, and all the other wretched human emotions that ruin good things for us. Facebook makes it a little TOO easy. BUT, at the same time I'd rather have the opportunity than close myself off to this world.
Oh, the dreaded “Facebook Official”! That's a conversation that I'd never want to have again. I so hope the next go 'round, they make the first digital move.
Great commentary, thank you so much for adding!
This. Absolutely this. Sam is exactly right.
My boyfriend and I decided a while ago not to put our relationship status on Facebook — more his decision than mine; he has a Facebook, but doesn't use it a whole lot — and sometimes it bugs me (why can't this single piece of information be on the Internet? Then again…why do I care??)…and then I realize how dumb it is, and I'm over it.
This article brings up a great point I just watched the movie “He's Just Not that In To You” in which relationships are skewed and the character by Drew Berrymore is struggle to read through the web and different media outlets on relationship advice.
http://kerisinger.wordpress.com/2009/02/09/text…
One thing that I do not like people doing is using an individual’s age to place him/her in a certain generation. For some time, I have felt that a “generation” should be defined in terms of people’s CHARACTERISTICS. For example, I was born in 1979 and I am NOT Gen X, but rather a Millenial, because I have virtually nothing in common with Gen X. That is, I am tech – savvy, open – minded to diversity of all kinds, impatient, and I like the latest in music and entertainment. Also, many of us do not like to be labeled, and I am one of them. Using a person’s year of birth to place her in a certain generation is really just a mass – media and marketing tool.