When we sang the “Friendship Song” in preschool nearly two decades ago, none of us gave it much thought. “One is silver and the other’s gold…” we sang happily.
But as we grew older, we quickly learned that gold and silver are more than just pretty colors. Gold is attributed to everything that demands superiority and deserves respect. The “golden age” refers to the peak of a civilization. The “golden rule” is accepted as the only mantra to live by. If you have a gold card of any sorts, you’re definitely someone important. Sure, Tiffany and her little blue boxes have made silver something to be lusted after, but let’s face it: Olympians strive for the coveted gold medal, not second-place silver.
So then what the hell was that song about? With these gaping discrepancies between the cultural values of gold and silver, which of our friends should get the winning treatment and which should be shunned as second-rate? The old or the new?
As a generation that sends nearly 70 percent of our members to college, this question is particularly relevant to us. Where do our new collegiate friends fit into our overall social network?
It starts in the wording: “I’m going to Philly to visit my friend from home.” “This is Molly, my friend from college.”
At first glance, neither of those statements is especially ground-breaking. Replace “Philly” with another location and “Molly” with another name, and I’d bet that nearly all of us have said a variation of those sentences at some point.
What strikes me is the distinction between “home” friends and “college” friends. Why do we often distinguish between the two? Is one gold and the other silver? I’m sure that some part of it has to do with a sociological need to establish connections between those we’re talking to and those we’re talking about, but is there something more?
In most cases, your friends from home have been around for quite a while. If you’re like me, more than a few have known you as far back as your years of collecting Beanie Babies. Those home friends were there when the orthodontist doomed you with braces for three years and when you decided to take up the clarinet and join the marching band. They urged you to write love notes to your first “boyfriend” in sixth grade homeroom, listened to you gush about kissing your first (actual) boyfriend and took you to see Wedding Crashers when you needed a laugh to get over that first breakup.
Most importantly, your home friends watched as others defined you in the harsh world of high school stereotypes. And at the end of the day, they liked you anyway.
At best, your college friends have only known you since summer orientation. But despite thinking you knew everything there is to know upon your recent high school graduation, you still went through many firsts with them. You all bitched endlessly about your first 20-page term papers and then used your first fake IDs to celebrate when you finally turned them in. Your college friends took you out for birthday dinners when your parents couldn’t drive in on a Wednesday night to celebrate with you, and they accompanied you to the grocery store every week to restock on Mac ‘n’ Cheese, toilet paper and cheap vodka. They even drove you to the emergency room when you were convinced that Swine Flu had gotten the best of you.
In a way, college friends become the family that you left behind when you went away to college. Most importantly, you were able to create your own persona when you started college, shedding stereotypes you didn’t like and adopting new ones. And, at the end of they day, no matter who you chose to be, your college friends liked you anyway.
As Gen Y comes of age, we are caught in limbo between home and college, here and there, then and now. At each stage in life, our personal selves are somehow defined. That’s where the distinction between home friends and college friends lies.
In our youth, others defined us. As we grow into adults, we begin to define ourselves. But all in all, both sets of friends have seen us at our best, and both have seen us at our worst. Those bests and worsts may have changed over the years, but they remain some of our proudest and most vulnerable moments. It is because of this bond, regardless of whom is awarded the silver or gold, that each set of friends remains a precious metal.
As I entered the working world from my college graduation this past May, though, things get a bit more complicated. Where do “work” friends fit into the scheme of things?
I guess they should’ve included bronze as an option for friends, too.
Photo by Juliana Coutinho
I’m starting to realize that our friends and persona will constantly evolve depending on what stage of life we are in. My high school friends are not the same as my college friends and my college friends are not the same as my post college work friends. The “medal” I award my friends is highly dependent on were I’m at in my life and what I’m going through.
This is a great read. Thanks for posting =)
Well said, Lisa! Very insightful.
I often think of how strange it’s going to be when I get married someday and all of the groups of friends from my past come together in one setting. I tend to think that we have different friends to satisfy different parts of ourselves. And when all of those friends come together and surround us all at once, it’s either going to be really comforting or really awkward!
For me, the gold friends are the ones who stay, like the one or two best friends who have known me since I was in single-digits, the high school friends I got into all kinds of trouble with, and the college friends that became my family in my new home in Boston… the silver ones are the friends that flit in and out of your life, who are true friends, but maybe don’t quite have the same impact on your life that the gold ones do.
I agree completely with this one. Any new friend takes time to work his or her way up the “friendship ranking,” but just because you met someone later in life, it doesn’t mean they’re any less important.
I have a college friend who once told me (during a fight, but whatever) that she felt like she’d never be as good a friend in my mind as my high school/home friends are. Truthfully, making a friend as great as the few “best friends” I have from college is even harder, which I think makes them just as special (I mean, that and the fact that they’re great people and all) because explaining to them why you are the way you are usually involves some serious backstory, whereas your home friends were probably there and experienced that story with you.
Important article, Lisa. It’s crucial to define the people you surround yourself with. They loosley fit into two classes.
Friends, no description needed. They are with you and you are with them, no matter what the circumstance.
The other is Aquaintances. Aquaintances come in and out of your life depending on circumstances. (work,school,church,clubs,) It is important you don’t confuse the two.
You are wise beyond your years Lisa. Great post. And I’ve also discovered there is that one friend who holds a platinum metal.
Interesting subject you’ve touched upon, Lisa, and I think you’ve just hit the tip of the iceberg… The dynamics of friendship for Gen Y are very, very complex (as you can see from some of the other comments!)
To add my two cents: I find that my friends “from home” are more like family. I didn’t really choose them and in many ways I’m stuck with them- for better or for worse. I’ve always been closer with my friends “from college” because I CHOSE them to be my friend.
I’d love to see this idea expanded upon in relationship to Social Media. How is Facebook effecting our view of “friendship”? Are we devalidating relationships by categorizing them? In what ways has social media benefited and hurt our “IRL” friendships?
Hey Lisa, Great Job! You know I am probably “old school” for the Gen Yers, however, I always tried to look at whoever is in my life at any particular moment as “golden”. Friends come and go leaving lessons in their wake which is a golden opportunity to grow. I am less inclined to “categorize” these days as there is certainly enough of that going on in society.
Very nice article kiddo and keep up the good work.
Just wondering…what medal does family hold?
Loved the article, Lisa. At 60 my take on friendships are similar to Susan M’s view. Aquaintances are most abundant and touch our lives almost in an “ad hoc” — albeit on a protracted (at times) — basis. My “best friend”, an oft used cliche, can describe someone in terms of time-place-person (high school, college, childhood, neighborhood, spouse, sister, etc. ) “best friend”. Clearly these – in my mind – change over time and place but neither time nor place affects the foundation of those friendships.
Like Uncle Bob I choose not to catergorize so much these days. I let the friendship or the acquaintance define themselves over time.
We’ll see how your definitions change over time. Look back on this article when your, oh, say, 60.
Uncle Bob Does propose an interesting question regarding family. Who cares to take that one on?