Until You Sober Up: The One-Night Stand From The Male Perspective

There is alcohol, there are men and women, there is you. The drinks are cheap, the women are either out for a good time, out for drinks, or quite possibly, out for you.

Assume one of these “biddies” takes a liking to you. The attraction here is mutual, based off of calculated physical qualities and splattered flirting. You don’t know this woman, but in the back of your mind, it’s pretty clear what activity she and you would probably enjoy together. Skipping the obvious answer of Playstation 3, let’s assume it’s sex.

Fast forward to your place. The clothes are off, the condom is on, and it is, as Eminem puts it, “…hot and heavy in the upstairs bedroom.”

You finish. She finishes (unlikely). The messes and ends of sex concur. You look into her eyes for the first time, flash a smile and say, rather drunkenly and happily, “That was awesome!”

Congratulations, you have just had meaningless sex! And if you were wondering about the orgasm, it probably wasn’t even good enough for you to remember in the classic hangover “scavenger hunt” of events. The fact of the matter is that emotion, passion and a feeling for the other person greatly affects the quality of sex. Most people don’t even know that, and just assume that every orgasm is the same. It isn’t.

For some, one-night stand sex comes often, pun intended, and amounts to the value of a coupon, or 1/20 of a cent. These people, despite their exploits, demand that they are still looking for their one-and-only (Snooki, ahem). When we clothe ourselves and don our personalities, the object is not to thrust both away as soon as possible in pursuit of a carnal and tempting art, or that one-and-only.

The issue is that sex quickly outruns the favorites for the Relationship Cup, like emotional connection (2:1) and chemistry (2:3). The footrace in the mind begins to become lopsided as the alcohol and sex culture kick in. And after all of the fancy terminology and logic we can apply for a male, he will eventually forget about his pursuits of expressive connection, of chemistry and perhaps emotion itself. Once men pass a certain threshold of drinking, and have the expectation that attractive women will be in the midst, your high-school sweetheart stories, college lover epics and wistful tales of “the one that got away” go out the window. The race is over.

That being said, the situational awkwardness creates a gaping void that no drunken Romeo can fill. It’s worth looking at this crucial time because emotions are drawn out, physical expectations have (or have not) been fulfilled, and ultimately, two people who barely know each-other are in the same bed. Now what?

Scenario A: You lie there, she lies there, you feel like you should say something, she doesn’t. Luckily, your cigarette habit bails you out of this  uncomfortable situation; exhale, exhale, and now she’s gone and you’re left alone.

Scenario B: You lie there but feel as though you’ve just woken up from some sort of drunken dream and actually love the girl. You do a little math in your head, and suddenly have added the recalled drunken silliness with sex and gotten an emotional connection that you’d like to pursue (perhaps sober). You know almost nothing about her other than where she went to college. Regardless, you begin to express excited feelings after a physical romp devoid of all things emotional. She thinks you’re a freak, not the good kind, and slowly makes her way out in the midst of texting her “besties” about what a clinger/weirdo you are.

Scenario C: Same as B, but with reversed roles. Probably more common, and that is not a sexist comment.

{exit stage right}, much?

Scenario D: She is asleep but beginning to show signs of consciousness (phew, no court date!). Neither of you are aware of what the sex meant, whether or not you actually have any sort of connection and ultimately, more sleep prevails because the awkwardness is shoving Ambien down your throat. One of you is gone by the time the other wakes.

Scenario E: An extension of D, you wake up confused, sober and hungover. She is waking up and you feel like you should kiss her good morning and hold her close. Then you realize she’s not drunk, and neither are you. This is that moment where real personalities clash, where intelligence and common sense meet their matches, and suddenly in a dazed stare, you know the person because you had sex with them, and that’s about it.

What do all of these scenarios add up to? A bad beginning to any relationship that hopes to undertake meaning, longevity or passion, all of which, including longevity, were probably absent that night. I’m glad you got your fix, maybe that was all you needed. But if you suddenly realized you wanted to take the next step, you’ve already fallen flat on your face. One-night stands ruin any relationship that was possibly budding, likewise watering plants at random gives you a dead garden. Though there are times for these one-night-stands, they have about as much complexity, meaning and durability as “Pop Goes the Weasel.”

**For alternative perspective, check out this saavy gal’s guide to a successful (awkward-free?) one night only encounter**

Written by Benny Bridger.

photo by perfectoinsecto