The Grammys, Recapped

Oh, award shows. It’s long since been general knowledge that the big “honors” attributed at these red carpet events have more to do with getting the attention of specific demographics (housewives!) and not so much to do with actual musical or acting chops.

Thus, I bring you The 2011 Grammy Award Winners (and losers) Recap. Let the cynicism ensue. (Required reading: The last rock critic standing, Christopher R. Weingarten’s live-blog (AKA @1000TimesYes) and TNGG’s own live-blog by Angela Stefano.)

The performances! Opening the show with a tribute to Aretha Franklin was a good move. Not making someone wear an Aretha inauguration hat was a questionable one. Also, questionable? Giving the stage to the woman who can’t remember the national anthem, but Xtina and Jennifer Hudson held their own.

Also present was the most heavy-handed casting of indie-folk I’ve seen outside of a Bonnaroo stage: The Avett Bros., Mumford & Sons, and BOB DYLAN. That being said, I love all three on their own merits. Overall, a good performance.

Then, came Lady Gaga’s egg. End of scene. Admittedly, I was a little disappointed by Gaga’s debut of “Born This Way.” However, something I could get on board with (and that’s saying a lot these days) was the stellar show put on by Bruno Mars, BoB and Janelle Monae. Seriously, Monae gave Gaga a run for her money.

Then came Cee-Lo Green and Gwyneth Paltrow singing… HOLY PUPPETS. Perhaps Gwyneth should rethink this new career, but whatevs. Katy Perry also performed “Teenage Dream” complete with a wedding montage? I did love Rihanna and Drake’s duet “What’s My Name?” when I first heard it, but it’s been a tad overplayed. Still their performance was watchable.

See all the performances I didn’t comment on here.

The awards! The evening always begins with an arguably vanilla award. The Grammy for the Best Pop Performance by a Duo or Group went to “Hey, Soul Sister (Live)” by Train. Gross. But hey, congrats to horny middle-aged divorcees everywhere.

The second award (I forgot it was even an awards show by the time this baby was announced) was Best Female Vocal Country Performance, otherwise known as “bathroom break.” Next up in the “bathroom break” category: all of Lady Antebellum’s “Need You Now” awards. I’m sure there were two or three, but I’m lazy.

Then, Best Rock Album. I was hoping to be excited, but why even try? It wasn’t Jeff Beck. It wasn’t Neil Young. It wasn’t even Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers. Nope. The award went to the band with the most commercial appeal, Muse. Luckily I was vindicated with Best Pop Vocal Album announcing Gaga beating out Katy Boobsley and The Beib.

CBS decided to skip over the Lifetime Achievement Awards for a commercial – no love to The Ramones, Julie Andrews or Dolly Parton. COME ON. But good selections nonetheless.
Skip ahead if you don’t want to read about my guilty pleasure genre: Rap.

• Best Rap Album. Didn’t go to my boy, Hov, or Drake. Or BoB for that matter – but to Eminem.
• No worries, The Blueprint 3 got a little redemption with “Empire State of Mind” winning Best Rap Song and Best Rap/Sung Collaboration.
• Best Rap Performance By A Duo Or Group also pleased me by going to Jay and Swizz Beats for “On to the Next One” (though another acceptable answer would’ve been “My Chick Bad” by Ludacris and NIcki Minaj).
• Best Solo Rap Performance went to Eminem again instead of Kanye for “Power,” but maybe CBS was avoiding another outburst. They could’ve just confiscated his Hennessey bottle.

Also, a quick shout-out to John Legend & The Roots for Best R&B Album.

The Best Alternative Music Album category was laden with stereotypical choices like Arcade Fire, Broken Bells, Band of Horses and Vampire Weekend, but The Black Keys took home the prize TWICE. The Keys also snagged the Best Rock Performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocals. I also would’ve accepted the Jeff Beck/Joss Stone collab.

Another untelevised shout-out to La Roux for Best Electronic/Dance Album.

Interestingly, the Best Pop Collaboration With Vocals award went to an ensemble featuring Pink over Hayley Williams/BoB’s “Airplanes” or Gaga/Beyonce’s “Telephone.” Bruno Mars took home Best Male Pop Vocal and Best Female Pop Vocal went to Gaga’s “Bad Romance,” which brings back memories of that one strip club…  “Halo” or “King of Anything” would have also been acceptable, but they never really had a shot.

BEST NEW ARTIST SHOULD’VE BEEN FLORENCE & THE MACHINE. (Although, Fuckyesbass and congrats to winner Esperanza Spalding).

Song of the Year falls into the previously mentioned sub-category of Lady Antebellum’s wins…But HELLO Album of the Year went to Arcade Fire for The Suburbs, and they also had a good performace.

File Record of the Year under “None-of-the-nominees-would’ve-been-my-choice” and that’s a wrap.

If you’re really concerned, see the full list of winners here.*

*A last side note: Jon Stewart won best Spoken Word Album for “The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Presents Earth (The Audiobook).”