Neckties And The Men Who Wear Them (A Satire)

In the modern world, it is common knowledge that amongst the average, law-abiding citizens, there are those bent on the shear destruction of man. In response, these malevolent fiends dominate our national discourse, as the TSA steps up security measures from light love taps to happy endings, Ann Coulter demands we employ “profiling” because these bad people dress the same, and Juan Williams leaves NPR for Fox News just so he can rant about the inherent qualities that predispose these people to extremism.

People in the U.S. should not be concerned about being “politically correct” towards those who want to bring their freedoms to a screeching halt! Let’s say it like it is: these perpetrators all look the same! They’re all from the same places, know the same people, believe in the same ideals, and follow the same general teachings! They might deny it, but they are, in fact, all wearing the exact same garb!

The individuals hell-bent against Americans are of a particular breed. They’re well trained, intelligent, and extremely well funded. Their networks span the length of the land, nay, the world! Sure, they hide behind a facade of “peace and tolerance,” but we all know their real motives. So I’ll come out and say it, and to hell with political correctness! These people are, as everyone knows and nobody is willing to say, the men who wear neckties.

The men who wear neckties are the most evil individuals currently walking this earth. Consider the following historical facts:

Perhaps the most obvious of these necktie-wearing sinister extremists goes by the name of Bernard L. “Bernie” Madoff, and his hustle was the largest Ponzi scheme in world history. Madoff made off with so much money from investors chipping-in to his “investment opportunities,” ($65 billion, enough to run the military campaign in Afghanistan out of his own pocket for a full nine months of 2010), it’s hard to believe his surname isn’t one of God’s many cruel jokes, right up there with Hot Pockets and androgynous Sesame Street characters.

Now allow the truth to uncover the secrets of a political figure whose telling garb I’ve held under suspicion for years: former Vice-President Dick Cheney. A little known fact about Dick Cheney is that he is a Dark Lord of the Sith, with the power to submit people into passing legislation with his mighty force lightning. My further historical investigations detailed Mr. Cheney’s role in the U.S. compromising its international stance on the Geneva Convention, an agreement the U.S. had upheld since 1949, after the horrifying events of the second world war. In Mr. Cheney’s defense, the treaty was entirely too popular being upheld for over half a decade by 194 countries including every major world power; his pursuit of individuality obviously couldn’t follow the crowd on the issue.

Next, I came across the curious case of businessman turned lobbyist Jack Abramoff, who plead guilty on January 3, 2006 to three criminal felony charges related to his “Defrauding of American Indian tribes” and his “corruption of public officials.” Abramoff stole enough money from the Indian tribes, (approximately $25 million), to have a film documentary made in his honor entitled Casino Jack and the United States of Money, starring Kevin Spacey as Abramoff himself.

I concluded my investigation with a few well-known names. There’s Allen Greenspan, who’s Randian views of unregulated economy led him to join Atlas in shrugging, even after being informed as early as 1995 of the coming upheaval the unregulated market would prove to have in 2008. Joining Greenspan are Ken Lay, the Enron genius, Scooter Libby, indicted for leaking the identity of a CIA operative in 2005, every asshole trading derivatives on Wall street in the last 10-15 years, and of course the post-Civil War grandfather defector, Richard M. Nixon, who as we all know, is not a crook.

Just so we’re clear, the shared trait of all these perpetrators (besides being hell bent on the destruction of man)? They all wore ties regularly before, during, and after the ill events that plagued their judgments, and in time, their legacies. It is to say, measuring the dimensions of men based on a single trait of their personhood, because that trait is evident several times over in other more ill-intentioned men is just cause for labeling even benevolent men of said trait as the same.

In the same manner, then, there is little to be discerned between the bearded Osama Bin Laden, a Thobe sporting Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, and the approximate 1.6 billion non-extremist Muslims the world over, 5 million of which reside legally, respectfully, and peacefully here in our, and rightfully their, United States of America. And like every man, woman, and child wearing a necktie, benevolent and peaceful or not, we must take our country back from these individuals, as they are all made the same by this shared trait, (Islam and neckties), aren’t they?

Ronald Baez I'm a writer from Miami, Fl. I write sociopolitical satire. I'm a musician and I play in a band called Hippocrypt & The Metro Gnomes. Twitter: @Ronald_Baez

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2 Responses to “Neckties And The Men Who Wear Them (A Satire)”

  1. jeffrey Hunter

    I must admit you are 100% correct, however I wear ties and so do some other guys that I know and I can assure you that I am not evil. But the facts are the facts. No question in my mind that 9-11 was an inside job orchestrated by the illuminati – the 13 bloodline bank families that have controlled civilization or have tried to for two thousand years at least.
    In the photo of the Nixon Gang – let’s call it what is really is the Neo-cons that went on to work in both Bush White Houses.

    I have to finish this comment tomorrow, for now I will post this part. I do not live in the USA any more. That dream is a joke and the American people are so apathetic and brain washed that they cannot see the writing on the wall.

    My comment – especially my further comment tomorrow will get at least very exact and for sure will make people say I am crazy and cause them to hate me. The fact is simple -the truth is the truth and the truth can hurt. And yes the evil guys wear ties to disguise their actual intentions – but make no mistake these are not men. The devil walks among us and he is in many forms here and has gained great influence on weak men who become addicted to power and wealth. But they may have a real problem because their plans have hurt and killed many beautiful pure people and that is a score that I think will balance out against them.

    So I must live with the fact that if I wear ties I could be mistaken for a very bad guy. I guess that I have realized this for some time which I why I go out of my way to be a good guy and man do I smile a lot.

  2. jeffrey Hunter

    Is it true – am I the only guy to comment. Is this the Looney Tunes or is this reality. The world is a mess and getting much worse every day and possibly very ugly things could happen – at least that what it is starting to look like is going to happen. And not many Americans seem to care about it, understand it or believe it. The facts are so clear and so easy to sort out.

    What a sad state civilization is at present. It was 300 BC that Plato said he saw no hope for the future of civilization. Wow – if he knew then what I know now.

    By the way your post inspired me to do a sort of parody in the begining of May on the evil men wearing evil ties thing – it can be found here on my blog.

    I included a back link to your blog – the content is far from duplicate so Google will not consisder this duplicated content. I compare Dick Chenney to Darth Vader, After all there is an evil dark force that has its grip on most politicians, correct ???


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