When someone dangles sex in front of me, I’d like to think that I’m like a vegetarian inhaling the scent of bacon in a greasy spoon diner: filled with dangerous desire. In reality, I’m more like a person who forgot their lactose-pills before eating an entire box of fluorescent mac and cheese.
As I’m having sex, it’s wonderful, but then the reality sets in that I’m supposed to look attractive while I’m panting and sweating and yelling out expletives, and I end up attempting to adjust myself to be on the bottom so that my boobs don’t jiggle as much, and any and all stretch marks are covered up by the body hovering above me while I regret that massive frozen pizza I had for dinner last night.
Sex is terrifying for us Average Janes for the sole reason that it means we have to show you what we look like without Spanx and our industrial strenth lift and separate bra. The illusion is broken – this is your one chance to run for the hills (and in the process kill our self-esteem and guarantee a one-way ticket to appearing on The Biggest Loser)!
In a perfect world, I wouldn’t need a man to confirm that I’m hot. But alas, I still have until October 21 to experience that reality.
But, there are some things you can do to help a sister out, the easiest of which is just have awesome sex with us. But if you really care for the lady who’s sleeping next to you in the morning with perfectly glossy lips and fluttering eyelashes, keep on reading.
1) Avoid any mention of past hookups/girlfriends/lovers
This is supremely important – even if the girl you’re sleeping with is just your FWB. I was having possibly one of the greatest casual sex relationships ever, until the moment he brought up his ex-girlfriend over drinks one night. You know the girl, the one that was his first everything, the hottest girl he’s even known all his life, blah, blah, blah. Then he told me her full name.
That whole week I tried to fight off the urge to Google her and spend a good chunk of my workday comparing her face to mine (conclusion: she was way hot). After this happened, I removed my FWB from showing up on my Gchat and hit the gym upwards of four times a week for many, many hours. I was no longer this attractive, really awesome girl to have wild monkey sex with – I was just someone who was a willing bone. Step 1) kill my self-esteem, step 2) kill my sex drive.
By speaking up too soon of all the great things that your lovers of past did, you’re bringing into play the most unattractive quality of the female species – envy and woe-is-me-ness. Nothing we do to please or look better is enough for our men-folk, then we get all needy and sad, and then, poof – relationship is over with, and with it, the sex.
2) Touch and kiss any exposed skin, but whenever possible, please avoid gripping it (unless we ask/command you to)
When you kiss us, it means that you like us. When you kiss our neck, arm, hand, stomach, thigh, etc. (you’re getting the picture, right?) it means that you’re really into all those other bits of us that complete the picture. This is a great confidence booster. Although verbal compliments are always wonderful, really there are many more arousing ways to use your mouth that achieve the same desired effect. This kissing will then lead to us feeling like an Helen-of-Troy-Sex-Goddess and we will then be receptive to whatever it is that you want us to do and attack every sexual position and situation with gusto. We will then proceed to have passionate lustful crazy-monkey-love filled with lust and just pure fucking insanity. Pretty sweet right? And all it took was some strategically placed kisses. But, just don’t like grab our muffin top when this is happening ok? It’s like flipping the off-switch. And then you’ll get bitch-slapped.
3) Positive Reinforcement
I mean, this basically warrants the word “duh,” but so often we’re caught up in everything else in life that we basically forget to tell people how awesome we think they are. But don’t fake it – a woman’s intuition can tell when you’re bullshitting her. There’s this thing I do, it involves just being in the moment with a person, whether they’re my friend or a lover, and just spontaneously hugging them, or telling them that I’m happy that they’re in my life, and that they’re just fucking amazing people.
It’s really similar actually to being in a good mood and smiling at a stranger on the bus. It’s the little thing that make us feel good.
Oh, and also, never mention your adversity to sleeping with people that have stretch-marks. Even if this is how you really feel, any girl that’s gone through puberty has them, and they’re there to stay. Sorry bro.
What do you think? Are there any sure-fire ways that make you or your girl feel good about themselves?