Haute and Dangerous: Why You’re Single (Male Edition)

*Plink* That’s the sound of a first impression locking into place. Halfway through that martini, know that we wiley females have already pinpointed which factor(s) will ultimately spark the tragic downfall of our [hypothetical] relationship. You might call it female intuition or divine inspiration, but I call it Fashion Forensics. No, we didn’t stalk you on Twitter. Turns out that clothing ensemble of yours already disclosed all the deepest, darkest secrets of your soul:

"Look, that pensive gaze isn't going to hide the fact that these outfits were a mistake."

Label Lover 

Warning Labels: Style? Taste? Huh? As long as it’s got LV’s, interlinked C’s, perpendicular G’s, or an ostentatious flaming skull, you’ll take one in every color.

Psychobabble: Ladies, do you look for men who are shallow, unoriginal and insecure? If so, today’s your lucky day! L.L. is the kind of guy who compensates for his lack of… confidence… by acquiring beautiful, expensive possessions, should they be Italian sports cars, designer clothing, or even entire countries (*cough*, Napoleon, *cough,cough*) to put on display. Label Lover doesn’t have girlfriends, he has trophy armcandy, and under these circumstances, the smart girls know to leave for someone richer before they get dumped for someone younger.

Upgrade: You are what you wear. Realize that if you brand (pun intended?) yourself as someone who cares only for gaudy displays of alleged wealth and influence, rest assured you’ll have your own little army of superficial narcissists at your disposal (or until you file for bankrupcy). Considering the ongoing debacle over the National Debt, nouveau riche isn’t quite en vogue

Does This Outfit Make Me Look Frat?

Warning Labels: Weekdays from 9:00-5:00, he’s a 26-year-old broker at one of Wall Street’s top hedge funds with prospects so bright, no one even notices the blinding white athletic socks creating dynamic chiaroscuro between those black dress shoes and unhemmed trousers. Happy hour rolls around, it’s like he never left college. Donning an ensemble from his never-ending supply of t-shirts and baseball caps featuring his favorite sports team, favorite beer, and/or favorite tasteless joke, Frat-Attack and his bros are off an another epic quest to one-up themselves in the Obnoxious Olympics. Protruding beer bellies sold seperately.

Psychobabble: Immaturius douchebagius. Still, if your Happily Ever After involves a Prince Charming with the remnants of his Fribble dribbled down the front of his “F.B.I. (Federal Booty Inspector)” t-shirt, more power to ya.

Upgrade: Big boys with big-boy jobs wear big-boy clothes. And know how to use an iron.

Tortured Artist

This ironic glare is my favorite accessory.

Warning Labels: Flannel (obvi), paint-spattered jeans (generously torn), a pack of clove cigarettes sticking out of one pocket, a tattered paperback anthology of depressing existentialist philosophy in the other. A quirky hat (fedora, newsboy, beret –  too cliche?) and he’s either rockin’ a beat-up pair of Chuck Taylors or something less athletic, more ‘European’  with it’s own distinguished, vintage flair.

Stir in a generous helping of angst and leave to simmer indefinitely. Substance abuse problem to taste.

Psychobabble: Dating this type of male specimen is a lot like being in a relationship with a forthcoming lightning storm. Electrically charged, and yet, you’re constantly grappling with that unmistakable feeling that you should be sprinting in the opposite direction toward the safe haven of the nearest root cellar.

Despite his idealistic romanticism, introspective nature, and goldmine of raw talent, the tortured intellectual can be downright selfish when it comes to his inability to focus on anything but his own internal turmoil. How many times throughout history has the illustrious title “Muse” turned out to be little more than a glamorized nannying position?

Upgrade: If there was a technique to distill this complex elixir, I’d say keep the cosmopolitan T.A. style intact while removing all residual self-loathing and the toxic fumes of “Eau de Poseur.” Oh, and consider accessorizing those chelsea boots with a Xanex prescription.

Mama’s Boy:

Warning Labels: When it comes to that squeaky clean aesthetic, it’s clear that wardrobe consultation, tailoring and grooming services were all provided by Mommy, Dearest Inc. What’s wrong with a nice, “normal” guy wearing clean clothes, for once?

Psychobabble: Life 101–

  1. Thou shalt not attempt to invade Russia during winter.
  2. Thou shalt not drunk Skype in the bathtub.
  3. Thou shalt not attempt to force your way between a man and his mother. You will lose. Don’t even try.

Upgrade: Guys, if you’re feeling a twinge where your backbone should be, realize you can be a good son while maintaining some degree of independence (fashion or otherwise). As you set off alone on your epic style odyssey, you will make faux pas, and they will be forgiven. But right now, your clothes are articulating the fact that there’s already a woman in your life so… “all you minxes better scram!”

I need your help: what have I missed? Tell me in the comments!

 Photo by cod_gabriel

Kayla Brown Kayla Brown is the author of the “Boston Babe Sports Bible” series and TNGG's weekly fashion column, "Haute and Dangerous" (inspired by a Ke$ha song). She hopes to one day channel her debilitating caffeine addiction into the noble art of copywriting. Her interests include watching YouTube videos of cute animals doing funny things. If you think you can handle it, follow her on Twitter: @kjbrown22.

View all posts by Kayla Brown

One Response to “Haute and Dangerous: Why You’re Single (Male Edition)”

  1. arafat kazi

    I will pay you in whiskey to write such an entry for me that I can put on my cover letters.

    Reply

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