Boxed Wine and Millennials: A Match Made in Party Heaven

Boxed wine. It’s like CapriSun for grown ups. It’s versatile, portable and more importantly, it will be your friend. Whether you’re drowning post-breakup sorrows, celebrating a holiday or trying to keep it classy with some Kraft singles $6 artisan cheese, boxed wine can adapt to the situation.

In an effort to spice up your love life with your favorite boxed wine here are some fun things to do with it.

Snuggle: Slice open that cardboard box and take out the pouch inside. Lay on your couch in your favorite sweatpants sexy lingerie and caress your boxed wine like a long-lost lover. Snuggling with your boxed wine is the fastest way to get drunk and soothe your sad, lonely soul. Curl up with your wine (after you pour yourself a glass–or just drink it out of the spigot) watch the MTV “Teen Mom” marathon and take solace. You may be at home alone on a Friday night cuddling with alcohol, watching shitty T.V., wondering forlornly why that guy you let fondle you for 5 minutes in the bar bathroom on Friday hasn’t called you yet but, unlike those idiot 16-year-olds on MTV you can legally purchase this wine. Therefore, life is good.

Drink in public: Take a hint from the “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” gang and pour your wine into a coke can so you can day drink all day long. Because really, life is just so much more interesting when you’re feeling frisky and shamelessly flirting with your interns at work. Hang out in the park looking only marginally creepy with your can of “grape juice.”

Microwave it: Fireworks illegal in your state? Already drunk? Trying to impress that chick who is incessantly pulling up her tube top stumbling around your frat house? Nuke that box.

Halloween: Want to ensure absolutely no one will hit on you at Halloween parties? Just not feeling attention from the gender of your choosing? Drink a bunch of boxed wine and use the empty boxes to make a boxed wine costume. It’s not sexy, it’s not comfortable and you probably won’t fit through the door but you’ll be the talk of the party. Bonus points if it’s a Halloween party hosted by AA.

Cook: You can make all kinds of things with boxed wine–sangria, mulled wine, glazes, salad dressings, marinades–all crazy culinary creations that would make Rachael Ray actually stop talking.

Help a ginger: Do your humanitarian duty and help your ginger friends be, well, less ginger. Give your favorite member of the carrot top club cheap highlights! Combine one cup of shampoo with one cup of wine and one teaspoon of red hibiscus that’s been steeped in wine for 30 minutes. Lather. Rinse. No need to repeat. Drink the rest because boxed wine is a terrible thing to waste.

Invent completely useless things that no one needs because you’re ashamed of how much you loved boxed wine: Like the boxed wine caddy!! Put your box in side of another box and pretend you’re dispensing your wine from an underground storage container on your lordly estate and not a cardboard box with a plastic bag called a “bladder” inside. The world just isn’t the same without the boxed wine caddy, the shoes under, the shamwow and any other invention that people think they need. How about building a funnel attachment? Who doesn’t want to funnel wine? (Take that one to copyright. Thank me later.)

Wine pong: Get a whole new type of hangover and a whole new type of drunk. Expand your alcoholic horizons. Except fill the cups up more than Jimmy Fallon did–that shit’s weak.

Have any other suggestions for things to do with boxed wine? Let us know in the comments!

Caitlin Tremblay I work at Thomson Reuters in NYC and I'm a 2011 graduate of Columbia University's Graduate School of Journalism. I could live off of Ring Pops and cucumbers and I still pay for music. I think tattoos, Chuck Klosterman, Rolling Stone, red pens, day planners and Shakespeare are rad. You can find me on Twitter (@CTrembz).

View all posts by Caitlin Tremblay

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