Full Frontal: Hysteria

To think: in one of the most sexually repressed moments of our history – women could actually get off openly.

The Trailer for Hysteria has hit the web, and it stars the tingly-feeling-inducing Hugh Dancy as a young Victorian gynecologist, determined to come up with a contraption that will give his hand some rest from all those “pelvic massages” he has to perform daily.

Hysteria, a common diagnosis among Victorian women, could only be relieved by inducing orgasms — which led to the invention of what women secretly refer to in the Brookstone store as a “neck massager.”

Although a comedy, Hysteria appears to have quite a number of scenes featuring women of all ages getting off. And not only that, many of them actively requesting it.  Obviously, all historical fictions are 99.9% based in truth, and I’m certain that soon what will follow will be movies based on other Victorian Gynecological Advancements, like:

The film will be called A Condition.  It’ll be about a ragtag group of French Writers, determined to make abortion, “family-friendly,” not just a hush-hush procedure done on “crazy” or “slutty” women.  This will be done with the ingenious plan of offering a free baguette to anyone that will buy their book – the perfect lore to carb-starved women everywhere. Fleur Delacour is the star of this film.  She will end up making a life for herself in NY as Madame Restell’s personal assistant and ad copywriter.

Birth Control
The film will be called Sex, Interrupted.  It will follow the trails and tribulations of two incredibly good looking male gynecologists, Robert Dale Owen and Charles Knowlton (played by Ryan Gosling and Ryan Reynolds, respectively), as they continue to receive death threats for trying to make people stop having babies!

Ryan Gosling (obvis the brainier of the two Ryans) will be the one to publish a book on it, Moral Physiology — a gripping read about how pulling out can lead to better, stronger offspring in the longrun. It will be a raging success, money rolls in! Film options! Even a Tumblr blog! I will make a cameo as the women who makes Ryan Gosling stop his birth-control methods.

But it’s not all fun and games, turns out that The Ryans’ mentor, the Grandfather of modern Gynecology, James Marion Sims, is actually a really sadistic dude – he’s really the overarching villain in this — think Green Goblin, but in a Topcoat.

Genital Piercings (technically not gynecological — but still worth a mention)
The film will be called Crotch Shots of Jon Hamm (Working Title).  It will star Jon Hamm as a Prince named Albert, who just despises going out in public, because all the Daguerreotypes of him at events, don’t focus on his face and the words that come out of his mouth, but just at the raging evidence of manhood that peaks through his perfectly tailored pants.

He seeks help from an expert, a small, mousey looking, Italian tailor (who’s self-taught!) played by a long-time character actors whose name you can’t remember. Together, they will develop the “dressing ring,” a way for Jon Hamm to hook his penis in place so that he can go to royal functions without fear.

It’ll be even better than The Kings Speech!

I really hope this trend of Historically Accurate Sex Comedies catches on like the Vampire movies did.

Valeria Villarroel Recent College Grad, New Employee, who's media-obsessed. Straddling the line between low-tech and new-tech. Writer. Personality. Fangirl. I love thinking about and debating brit-pop, media, politics, and social issues. I have a lot of things to say, and probably not enough words to say it. Find me on twitter @Maleria_withaV

View all posts by Valeria Villarroel

Leave a Reply