I go to the University of Illinois, a school known for its Engineering and Business programs, and where you can legally enter a bar at the age of 19. Having had the right to party hard at such a young age means I have a lot of memories, the good, the foul and the ugly, and a lot of stories about what party fouls I may or may not have committed in the past.
Here’s a list of the ultimate, most overlooked party fouls (because there’s no sense in crying over spilt beer unless it’s a Guinness or something like that).
10. Playing Make Believe Drunk.
Congratulations. You got your friend who never wants to go out to go out. You know what that means? Your friend orders a round of butterscotch Schnapps. Ten minutes later your friend is shouting, “I’m so drunk!” surprising everyone how with how drunk one shot of Schnapps can get you. Then she acts her way into the bathroom and tries throw up, but she doesn’t understand why nothing is coming out. Ever heard the phrase “No one likes the sloppy drunk girl?” What about the phrase, “No one likes the sloppy drunk girl who isn’t actually drunk, she’s just pretending that she is?”
9. Pretending that your boyfriend isn’t actually your boyfriend.
In a world where a single shot of Schnapps gets you wasted, your friend also thinks it’s a-okay to slip in a little tongue action during a chat with your boyfriend.
8. Dry Humping Anything and Everything.
Your friend is now making her way from being trashy to being Snooki, doing the Jersey Turnpike on you, your friends, the bar stools…everyone.
7. Put It On the Tab.
Thank you, oh my trashy friend, for telling the bartender that it was okay to put seven shots of Patron on my tab.
6. Having Sticky Fingers.
Maybe after a couple more shots of Schnapps the sweetness leaves your friend with sticky fingers. The kind of sticky fingers that make drinks disappear right out of your hands. As soon as you look away your drink vanishes.
6. Unpredictable Mood Swings.
No party foul committer likes it when her friends tell her that she’s not even drunk. Your friend changes from happy drunk to hulk drunk, going from glad to mad in a split second. Names are called and secrets are shared. Your friend talks madness and breaks down into a sorrowful hug, apologizing for not being fun to be around. She keeps talking, you keep hugging, and out of nowhere she blames you for everything, for making her even go out in the first place. From glad to sad to mad hatter, your friend is now legitimately drunk and committing some serious party fouls that seem designed to ruin your night.
5. Where in the World is that Drunk Girl?
If you’re responsible, like most college kids at bars, there’s nothing as frustrating as going out and suddenly not knowing where your friend went. Thanks for getting all mad and leaving.
4. No Hablo Ingles.
Your friend who disappeared calls you in the middle of the night. She managed to wind up miles away from the club and is soon to be in custody of the police. She tells you that she’s refusing to speak English to the cops. Lawn enforcement calls over a Spanish-speaking police officer and your friend shows up at your apartment with a ticket and tears.
3. Snack Shopping.
Your friend is spending the night. You go to bed, she takes your credit card out of your wallet and spends it on poisonous amounts of blue cheese/ranch poppers What is a popper?
2. The Incredible Puke.
You wake up in the morning to find a trail of vom from the bathroom floor to the front door of your apartment. It looks as if a wild animal rampaged through your apartment in the middle of the night and left the door wide open. Nope – it was just Miss Blue cheese poppers.
1. I Don’t Remember, Therefore I Did Not Do It.
Now you understand why your friend never goes out. You call her, tell her what she did and expect damages to be paid in full. But she never pays you or apologizes, of course, because she doesn’t remember last night’s fouls and therefore did not commit them.
Do you have any friends who are serial party foulers? What are the worst kinds of party antics you can think of?