For this week’s column, I probably should have written about what you missed during New York Fashion Week while you were busy with important aspects of your day-to-day existence: Coming up with legitimate excuses to skip the gym. Remembering not to hit “Reply All” on those racy e-mails you’ve been sending to your boss’s boss. Religiously changing your default profile picture so your ex will take notice and maybe even “like” one of them…?
I could have written about what to expect at the cirque de couture that is London Fashion Week. While I considered live-blogging during last night’s Emmy Awards, I chose instead to graze on empty carbs whilst ogling Kate Winslet’s magnificent cleavage.
Then it struck me — why should I continue to pander to the celeb-mania of the masses when I might assist you in achieving some strain of the ideal aesthetic necessary earn you a one-way ticket to happily ever after? Without further ado, how to dress to make everyone you meet take an interest in your existence and fall hopelessly in love with you, be it personally, professionally, or platonically.
Something to be Desired
In the modern age of nip-slips, crotch shots, and depraved internet pornography, we’ve seen it all, darling. So kindly put that away.
If you’re looking to reinvent your look to say something like, “Oh, I’m freaky, alright, but you need to buy me dinner first…” then might I suggest the following key wardrobe pieces and body parts:
- Lace ensembles are suggestive in the most elegant way possible and happen to be all the rage this Fall.
- Draw attention to the décolletage without looking like you’re trying too hard with this season’s glamorous selection of chokers and collars.
- Vixen Heels: Remember, toe cleavage is the new [other] cleavage.
For those of us having trouble parting ways with those bustier crop-tops and fishnets, remember, we’ll always have Halloween.
Also know that when you’re blonde with cheekbones so chiseled they had to be registered as weapons with the local police department and a body mass index that’s on point with the nation’s unemployment rate, you could wear a grain sack to the Oscars and still look radiant.
Fashion is a lot like college in that you experiment, make dumb mistakes and go through a variety of phases while (hopefully) learning what works for you as an individual. You come to terms with the fact that while bubble hems evoke fond memories of your first middle-school dance, this silhouette adds the illusion of cankles while robbing you of all credibility as a self-respecting adult. You discover that incorporating certain hues into your color palate softens your complexion and makes your eyes look so fiercely blue they’re seizure-inducing. Dame Edith Sitwell may have said it best: “If one is a greyhound, why try to look like a pekingese?”
Style is a book you write yourself and fashion is my fairytale.
I just made that up myself, but fashion designers are always spewing vague, pretentious nonsense of that nature. Otherwise, Vogue would just be advertisements.
Still, it’s not completely BS. Style really is a story and most people are living the Sparknotes. How many times do you find yourself saying, “Oh, this? H&M (HEE HEE HEE)!” Fashion’s enlightened state (personal style) should be an outward manifestation of who you are, where you’ve been, and where you hope to go. Instead of having compelling anecdotes similar to those of your 14 year-old mall rat of a sister you can say things like, “Oh this cocktail ring? Yeah, I got it when I was at art school in Budapest — bartered with a gypsy in exchange for my then-boyfriend’s immortal soul. What a steal!”
As Karl Lagerfeld said, “A respectable appearance is sufficient to make people more interested in your soul.”
“It’s what’s inside that counts.”
This common cliche is often used as a get-out-of-jail-free card for general “outside” maintenance when the reality is complacency is the worst possible feature to adopt into your wardrobe. When you don’t care about your appearance, you appear not to care — about anything at all. You don’t have to hire a stylist to find your ideal wardrobe; like everything else, you just have to have standards. How you dress tells the world how you expect to be treated, so go ahead and show a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T for your stylish self.