Unfortunately, I am one of the latter. And as my doctor refuses to prescribe me a strong sedative and/or horse tranquilizer to keep me from bolting upon entry into the Boston Sports Club parking lot, I am forced to soldier on through the sweaty monotony by making a close study of haute and sweaty gym couture (see what I did there?). You might say there are some noticeable trends in health clubs across the nation, so without further ado, The Haute and Dangerous Dos and Don’ts for Fashionable Fitness:
Do Keep the Girls in Check
Don’t let ‘em tell ya any different: big bosomed girls make the rockin’ world go round. This becomes decidedly more difficult when the momentum from your Zumba class causes your sizable assets to smack you in the face, rendering you unconscious. They say what goes up must come down, so invest in a great sports bra (or at the very least, double up for support) so you’ll continue to look like this and not like this.
Don’t Dress Like a Porn Star
We’ve all seen. And heard. And possibly are (*coughcough*) that girl. The one wearing white sports bra and tube socks paired with teeny-tiny baby pink booty shorts with “Delicious” written in silver sparkles across the back. The one whose contortionist warm-up stretching would lead the average mortal to assume that she is a member of the Russian Circus, were it not for the sounds coming out of her mouth, which would suggest she is auditioning for the lead in “Luscious Locker Room Lesbians VI.”
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to look cute at the gym (Helloooo, hot trainers!). However, if you put as much effort into applying false eyelashes pre-workout and grunting suggestively as you do your cardio, you’re guaranteed the gold in the Desperate Olympics.
Don’t Live in Denial
Once upon a time (first semester of freshman year),the Princess of Denial was a slender sylph of a size 2. As binge drinking, stress eating, and age set in our princess filled out into a full-figured size 8. Despite split seams and all-consuming muffin top, this girl continues to squeeze herself into her size XS Bebe activewear, blissfully unaware of split seams and dropped jaws. While you have to admire her resolve, any style expert will tell you that wearing clothes that are too small will only make you look bigger.
Don’t Underestimate the Importance of Good Hygiene
OK, maybe this doesn’t have as much to do with fashion as it does general life advice. Inevitably there is always that one guy decked out in head-to-toe UnderArmor apparel and all the latest gear while multitasking (benching 475 and bellowing like a walrus in heat whilst checking himself out in the mirror). Sadly, while these gods among mortals look like the offspiring of Adonis himself, they smell like Satan’s compost pile. Despite countless hours spent ruminating over this conundrum, I can only come up with two reasons:
1. They can’t afford deodorant (unlikely, given their expensive taste in activewear and GNC supplements).
2. Some ridiculous urban legend about personal hygiene products masking naturally-occurring, female-attracting pheromones in the male body.
Dear males, if your motive is based on the latter, I can assure you that this is not the case. Chicks dig guys that wear deodorant! (By chicks I mean “humans” and by “guys” I mean “other humans”).
Do Dress Appropriately
To those individuals who make it their prerogative to wear construction boots on the treadmill, jean shorts in the pool, and lacy lingerie in the sauna: only Britney Spears and her affiliates can get away with this kind of behavior. Please make the necessary life adjustments.
In conclusion, wear breathable fabrics and to those brave souls who have made it to the gym in 2012, know you are an inspiration (to me, at least). Keep up the good work, haute-ies!