Queue it or Screw it: Golden Globes Guesswork

This Sunday, Ricky Gervais’ acerbic wit returns to the Golden Globes, to the chagrin of every invitee but the seat fillers. After all the flak he got for last year’s celebrity roasting, the gluttons for punishment have brought him back for more embarrassment and media circus.  But, I like him. He’s like that girl who doesn’t like to say mean things about people behind their backs…so she says it in front of their faces. My prediction: hilarious jokes for the cheap seats, angry famous faces in front of the camera.

Really though, I care more about predicting the award winners than whether or not Ricky Gervais will get a Globe to the face before the end of Sunday’s ceremonies.

In the interest of my interest, I’m only covering TV. In the interest of fun, I’m covering each category synopsis and prediction in exactly six words.

(List of categories and nominees from the HFPA’s Golden Globes site.)

Best Television Series – Drama
Category: Fights, frights and general badassery abound.

American Horror Story (FX)
Boardwalk Empire (HBO)
Boss (STARZ)
Game Of Thrones (HBO)
Homeland (SHOWTIME)

I predict: Ye olde medieval HBO slays them.

Best Performance by an Actress In A Television Series – Drama
Category: Diary of a Mad White Woman

Claire Danes – Homeland (SHOWTIME)
Mireille Enos – The Killing
Julianna Margulies – The Good Wife (CBS)
Madeleine Stowe – Revenge
Callie Thorne – Necessary Roughness

I predict: Danes or Margulies, dependent on weather.

Best Performance by an Actor In A Television Series – Drama:
Category: No shoutout for Mandy Patinkin? Lame.

Steve Buscemi – Boardwalk Empire (HBO)
Bryan Cranston – Breaking Bad
Kelsey Grammer – Boss (STARZ)
Jeremy Irons – The Borgias
Damian Lewis – Homeland (SHOWTIME)

I predict: Meth beats hooch. Evil dudes win.

Best Television Series – Comedy Or Musical
Category: Quirky doesn’t begin to cover it.

Enlightened (HBO)
Episodes (SHOWTIME)
Glee (FOX)
Modern Family (ABC)
New Girl (FOX)

I predict: Not adorkable enough. Modern Family again!

Best Performance by an Actress In A Television Series – Comedy Or Musical:
Category: Oddball caricatures vs. premium cable women

Laura Dern – Enlightened (HBO)
Zooey Deschanel – New Girl (FOX)
Tina Fey – 30 Rock (NBC)
Laura Linney – The Big C (Showtime)
Amy Poehler – Parks And Recreation

I predict: Vote for Leslie Knope. Nope? Linney.

Best Performance by an Actor In A Television Series – Comedy Or Musical:
Category: Sex, meta TV, and experimental physics.

Alec Baldwin – 30 Rock (NBC)
David Duchovny – Californication (SHOWTIME)
Johnny Galecki – The Big Bang Theory (CBS)
Thomas Jane – Hung (HBO)
Matt LeBlanc – Episodes (SHOWTIME)

I predict: It’s the other nerd’s turn now.

Best Mini-Series Or Motion Picture Made for Television
Category: British people are better at these.

Cinema Verite (HBO)
Downton Abbey (Masterpiece) (PBS)
The Hour (BBC AMERICA)
Mildred Pierce (HBO)
Too Big To Fail (HBO)

I predict: Downton Abbey. We’ve been over this.

Best Performance by an Actress In A Mini-series or Motion Picture Made for Television
Category: Little ditty ‘bout Brits and Diane.

Romola Garai – The Hour (BBC AMERICA)
Diane Lane – Cinema Verite (HBO)
Elizabeth McGovern – Downton Abbey (Masterpiece) (PBS)
Emily Watson – Appropriate Adult
Kate Winslet – Mildred Pierce (HBO)

I predict: Winslet always wins. Plus, full frontal.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television
Category:  Still British, but they’re men now.

Hugh Bonneville – Downton Abbey (Masterpiece) (PBS)
Idris Elba – Luther
William Hurt – Too Big To Fail (HBO)
Bill Nighy – Page Eight (Masterpiece)
Dominic West – The Hour (BBC AMERICA)

I Predict: Hurt is too good to fail.

Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television:
Category: Two fierce broads and young eye candy.

Jessica Lange – American Horror Story (FX)
Kelly MacDonald – Boardwalk Empire (HBO)
Maggie Smith – Downton Abbey (Masterpiece) (PBS)
Sofia Vergara – Modern Family (ABC)
Evan Rachel Wood – Mildred Pierce (HBO)

I Predict: If it’s not Lange, someone cheated.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Series, Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television
Category: Serious Actors and sad lonely Fizzbo.

Peter Dinklage – Game Of Thrones (HBO)
Paul Giamatti – Too Big To Fail (HBO)
Guy Pearce – Mildred Pierce (HBO)
Tim Robbins – Cinema Verite (HBO)
Eric Stonestreet – Modern Family (ABC)

I Predict: The Imp shall reign imperious. Dinklage!

I’ll be waiting to see how many of my predictions are right…what do you think? Tell me in the comments!

Lindsay King After graduating from BU in 2010 with a degree in advertising, I dove deep into the mire of food servitude, chatting up tourists and defining mignonette and chiffonade, all the while plotting my escape into copywriting. While doing so, I spent--and still spend--my time traveling, writing, baking, and kickboxing. I have been to over 20 countries, know more about TV and media than my mother thinks is healthy, and have a profound fondness for parallel syntax and parenthetical asides. I also write the weekly Down the Tubes TV column for TNGG. Twitter: @lapetiteking

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