Haute and Dangerous Sex Week Special: Zodiac Lingerie

Check out all of Sex Week, right here

It’s hard to live a happy and productive life when you’re constantly having to ask yourself, “What kind of lingerie should I be choosing based on my zodiac sign?”

Luckily, this week’s Haute and Dangerous Sex Week Special is here to answer any and all questions pertaining to astrology, lingerie, and everything in between. Since we have some important issues to discusss, let’s dive right in:

via Etsy

Aries

If you’re looking for a damsel in distress, you’re barking up the wrong tree, honey. Ruled by Mars, God of war and planet of energy, action and desire, Aries women are known for being courageous, outspoken, and even… ok, I’ll say it… a teeny bit bossy. Think Joan Crawford, Mae West, and Scarlett O’Hara, whom author Margaret Mitchell portrayed as a stereotypical Aries on purpose (in case you’re wondering, Rhett is a Leo — great hair). When it comes to boudour attire, it’s important to choose something that’s simple and not overly cumbersome; something that says, “Hey, I just got back from the gym and I have a Skype call with my boss in 20 minutes… wanna fornicate?”

Oh, and make sure it’s in your signature color, red.

Taurus

Taureans can be complex. Ruled by Venus, the Goddess of Love and all things beautiful and expensive, a stereotypical bull will spend their day getting their chakras balanced before dashing off to Barney’s to drop a few G’s on throw pillows.

In this vein, a Taurus is right up there with Scorpio (sexaholic) and Sagittarius (forgets) as the sign that is most likely to go commando. Instead of fussing over g-strings and garter belts, a Taurus will emerge from their post-hot-stone-massage milk bath, well exfoliated (Icelandic Moonflower Revitalizing Sea Salt Scrub – $36) for a decadent evening of aphrodisiac delights (Three Dozen Oyster Creek Unshucked Oysters – $84) and tantric sex (on Kumi Kookoon silk sheets – $710) with their Latvian former supermodel yoga instructor/lover. Besides, the glow from your newly-acquired Jo Malone Pomegranate Noir Luxury Candle ($400) looks so much more seductive against bare skin.

Gemini

Are you easily bored? Are you constantly changing your mind on anything and everything from choice in entree to choice in life partner? Do people often ask you, “And which of your personalities will be making an appearance today?” If you answered “Yes” to the above questions, then you are a Gemini — mercurial, crafty, famously fickle. Your idea of hell would be an eternity of monogamous missionary, so when it comes to the bedroom and your wardrobe, Gem’s would be advised to cater to their rampant multiple personality disorder by indulging in some sexy role play scenarios. And given this sign is notorious for razor-sharp wit, suggestive one-liners are encouraged.

Cancer

Cancers can sometimes be known to be stuck in the past, but given their affinity for vintage and retro fashions, I can’t say I blame them. Embrace your inner pin-up girl and you can’t go wrong.

Leo

Phrases like “less is more,” or “understated beauty” don’t exist in a Leo’s vocabulary. Which is why Agent Provocateur’s bubbles playsuit accessorized with gold lame pasties were the obvious choices in matters of this sex kitten’s bedroom attire. Kitty mask, crystal whip and leopard Loubs are encouraged.

Virgo

Given their fastidious attention to detail and obsessive perfectionism, it’s no wonder the fashion world is run by an army of Virgos.

Here is your typical boudoir-bound virgo in her tasteful (expensive) La Perla ensemble:

Please take note:

Outfit: perfection

Accessories: heaven

Hair: impeccable

Makeup: sublime

And see that carnal-bordering-on-deranged look in her eye? That says she just spotted something that needs cleaning.

Libra

It has been said that 54% of Playboy playmates (and other classic beauties) are Libras. Makes sense, considering Libras are ruled by Venus and everything that is beautiful, charming, and lovely with symmetrical features and a naturally-high metabolism. Go girly. I’m talking pink, tulle, lace, and frills with bows in possibly inappropriate places.

Scorpio

Scorpios are intense. Ruled by Pluto, god of the underworld, Scorpios are known for what they have in their underpants. Given their notoriety in and out of the bedroom, a Scorpio’s bedroom attire should match the running theme: think dark, twisted and complex. Remember, you can never go wrong with liquid latex.

Sagittarius

Symbolized by the Archer — half man, half horse, a Sagittarius is impetuous, soulful, and always on the run. They don’t make plans, they don’t like commitment, and if you’re able to drag one in for a psychotherapy appointment, they’ll likely come out stamped with a diagnosed case of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. Luckily, they’re sexy, smart, and never-ever-ever boring. Given their insatiable need for freedom and fear of boundaries, the Saggo’s choice bedroom attire (actually they prefer their sex al fresco) would have to be the hood thong, which allows airy comfort and sensuality for the Saggo on the go.

Capricorn

Capricorns are notorious workaholics, which might explain their fondness for the finer (finest) things in life. Since only the finest will do in all arenas of the Capricorn existence, the diamond and ruby-studded Victoria’s Secret Heavenly Star Bra, a current Guinness World Record holder valued at $12.5 million, should be a perfect fit.

Could this dress be the ultimate Aquarian wingman?

Aquarius

There are many words to describe an Aquarius: individualistic, one of a kind, delightfully kooky, clinically insane. An Aquarius will always march to the beat of his/her own drum, and with that in mind, they are the top candidates for the “Smart Second Skin Dress” which employs sensors to gauge the wearer’s emotions and emit customized “aromatic messages.” So let’s say you’re wearing the dress to cook an intimate macrobiotic-vegan dinner for that cute guy you met at the “Save the Wombat” Protest/Rave last Friday night. The dress, sensing your attraction, is engineered to emit pheromones to further encourage carnal activity. Who says science isn’t sexy?

Pisces

The main features for a Pisces’ choice in lingerie is that it should be in a hue that effectively masks red wine stains, and it should have pockets to stow car keys, cell phones and other essential items (Pisces are always losing things). I’m a Pisces myself, so I’m allowed to say this. Ruled by Neptune, the planet of glamour, fantasy, and substance abuse, Pisces are apt to don pieces with an ethereal, other-worldly quality that they can freely spill red wine on without too much guilt. Oh, sorry, am I being too vague? Sea green is our color and when in doubt, think aquatic.

Hopefully this answered any questions you may have had regarding zodiac style, but if you still have lingering concerns, the following video should put them to rest…

Kayla Brown Kayla Brown is the author of the “Boston Babe Sports Bible” series and TNGG's weekly fashion column, "Haute and Dangerous" (inspired by a Ke$ha song). She hopes to one day channel her debilitating caffeine addiction into the noble art of copywriting. Her interests include watching YouTube videos of cute animals doing funny things. If you think you can handle it, follow her on Twitter: @kjbrown22.

View all posts by Kayla Brown

2 Responses to “Haute and Dangerous Sex Week Special: Zodiac Lingerie”

Leave a Reply