Given the devastating loss of the legendary Whitney Houston over the weekend, the 2012 Grammy Awards were steeped in an understandably sombre tone. That being said, many things remained the same — Gaga was Gaga, Katy Perry felt the need to take the term, “color my hair” to the extreme, and Paris Hilton felt the need to make a (completely pointless) appearance. Fresh off the press, your Haute & Dangerous Grammy Style Awards. Read it and weep.
The “You’re Too Young to Be Wearing That Zuhair Murad Gown” Award: Taylor Swift
While I don’t particularly enjoy her music, Taylor Swift seems like a sweet girl so I was willing to overlook the rather large misstep she made in the decision to employ Laura Ingalls Wilder as her stylist for the evening.
Then she goes ahead and steals the gown Helen Mirren could have worn to the Oscars. I understand that the moody lyrics and new sassy bangs are Taylor’s way of telling the world, “I’m mature and emotionally complex,” but when you’re a 22-year-old dressing like a 66-year-old, that’s a warning sign you need to re-evaluate certain priorities. That priority, of course, is that Helen Mirren’s boobs would have looked amazing in that gown. Such a waste.
The “What Were You Thinking” Award
“Jean Paul Gaultier’s Couture Show.” “Flown in from Paris.” “It was the safe choice.” Or so she claims. I’m still sticking to my theory that somewhere in the world, Fergie’s poor grandmother spent her Sunday night searching for her misplaced neon orange lace curtains and Queen Latifah for K-Mart black underpants while her granddaughter went on national television looking like that.
Best Accessory: Nicki Minaj
Judith Leiber clutch? Yawn. Louboutins? How unoriginal. Harry Winston diamond necklace? Over it. Thanks to Nicki Minaj we now know that the only way to accessorize our custom-made Versace beaded cape is with the ultimate arm candy: the pope. This makes slightly more sense given the rapper’s terrifying Exorcism and/or Grammy performance. Seriously, I can’t remember being this scared and confused since high school health class.
Speaking of Nicki Minaj, not only were her adorable pint-sized proteges Sophia Grace and Rosie sent to the Grammys by their fairy godmother Ellen Degeneres, but they are the recipients of the award for…
Outfit We Are Most Jealous Of: Sophie Grace Brownlee & Rosie
Seriously, how jealous are you right now? Some girls have all the luck.
Some girls, however, do not have all the luck. Which is why Alicia Keys is the recipient of the
A for Effort Award: Alicia Keys
Choosing a dramatic structured gown like this black Alexandre Vauthier creation + severe-looking updo + gold chest plate + cankle inducing, painfully painful to look at Louboutin pumps doesn’t exactly serve as a reminder of how beautiful and talented you are. It does, however, make you look severely constipated.
The A for Effortless Award: Adele
Not only was she batting 1.000 at the Grammys (six for six!), but our darling Adele stole our hearts last night with her humility and grace despite being so disgustingly talented and beautiful. Let’s face it, if Adele were to don some “couture” [ahem, Fergie, I’m looking at you] gown assembled entirely from cooked spaghetti with an ironic hat which is clearly nothing more than an empty Jamba Juice cup, it would be unnatural. Like a baby filing a tax return.
Instead, Adele stayed true to herself with her wardrobe choice accessorized with a bold red lip: elegant, timeless and drop dead gorgeous. Take that, Karl Lagerfeld!
The “There Are No Words” Award: Bonnie McKee
There are no words.
Most Likely to Not Be a Boss: Rick Ross
Because bosses are such busy people, the cultivation of effective time management skills is essential. I’m talking fastidious attention to detail, borderline painful attention to detail, and obsessive compulsively updating one’s Google calendar(s). If Rick Ross truly was a boss (the argument at the core of the 99% of his artistic output) he wouldn’t have mistakenly confused the Grammys with that ugly sweater soiree he seemed to think he would be attending when he chose to don that.
Best Product Placement: Deadmau5
Not only did he give a solid performance of his hit “Raise Your Weapon,” Canadian Electronic/Progressive/House/Whatever Producer Deadmau5 (real name Joel Thomas Zimmerman, and no, that’s not his actual face) showed up in business casual while taking the prize for creativity by featuring fellow category nominee Skrillex’s private cell phone number on his shirt. U mad bro? No srsly, do you think he was?
What was your favorite fab/bad look of the night? Post in the comments!