Queue it or Screw it: TV’s Smut-o-Meter

Check out all of Sex Week, right here

Ah, Sex Week. Here at TNGG, there’s sex in the air, and according to Rihanna, that’s just downright spectacular. There’s also a whole lot of sex over the airwaves. Which shows will curl your toes and which are the equivalent of a cold shower? Read on.

Our winners for TV’s Sexiest Shows are…

True Blood: The vampires are hot. The werewolves are hot. Even the humans have magic hotness juice running through their veins. Oh, and did I mention that they’re all super horny? It’s like Bon Temps is a high school, and all the teenagers are just itching to go fool around under the bleachers…but with more blood and biting (depending on how kinky you got in high school). Never mind the murders, let’s go make out!

Californication: Come on. It’s right in the title. The sex is almost always wrong, usually weird, and occasionally downright creepy, but it’s out and proud. These guys have some messed-up sex lives, and every viewer is privy to every dirty deed, shameful glance, and post-coital repercussion.

Grey’s Anatomy: Because network TV deserves a chance to sex it up, too. Every episode is heavy on relationship drama, and with an apparent belief that dating someone outside the hospital is illegal, the sex tree is ripe for harvesting. While the graphic factor doesn’t compare to premium cable, the sheer frequency of sexual encounters deserves mention. No elevator is safe, no on-call room is unlocked, and no major character is lacking booty. Seriously.

Modern Family: Sofia Vergara.

And the dubious honor of least sexy…

The Jersey Shore: Even though “smooshing” sounds super romantic, sexy is about stolen glances and sexual tension, not getting piss-drunk and messing around with people you’ll probably end up yelling at 20…no, make that 8 minutes later. These people cheapen even the cheapest of hookups, pass out in a puddle of shamelessness, and wake up hung over to do it all again the next day. Gross.

The Walking Dead: There’s nothing sexier than the looming threat that an undead thing with decomposing flesh will gurgle sweet nothings into your ear cavity as it nibbles on your carotid.  Oh, hang on…I found something even more repulsive than The Jersey Shore!

Two and a Half Men:  First, there was a cute chubby kid and Duckie from Pretty in Pink trying to stop Charlie Sheen from drinking tiger blood and, er…”winning” every vagina in a 10-mile radius. Now, there’s a husky teenager and Duckie from Pretty in Pink trying to stop Ashton Kutcher from acting like a whiny man-child and that thing about the vaginas from before. It’s not very funny, it’s only 1/3 attractive, and it’s no genius. Whatever its iteration, its going home alone at the end of the night.

Do your TV tastes skew steamy or stale?  Hope it’s the former. Happy Sex Week, you  filthy animals!

Lindsay King After graduating from BU in 2010 with a degree in advertising, I dove deep into the mire of food servitude, chatting up tourists and defining mignonette and chiffonade, all the while plotting my escape into copywriting. While doing so, I spent--and still spend--my time traveling, writing, baking, and kickboxing. I have been to over 20 countries, know more about TV and media than my mother thinks is healthy, and have a profound fondness for parallel syntax and parenthetical asides. I also write the weekly Down the Tubes TV column for TNGG. Twitter: @lapetiteking

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