What’s your party persona?

Anywhere you are, at any age, there is always a time you have to be at the party. The perfect time. The apex. The climax. The monumental present culmination of your completely realized and experienced perfect state of being; in other words, your time to shine. But not everyone is a go out and crank it up party machine. For most of us, we have to refine our partying ways and really reach our moment of zen. We have to know in the bottom of very souls our time and be as familiar with it as the back of our hand.

What will you do? What is your expression? Demeanor? Are you drunk and raging? Are you cynical and hilarious? Are you blubbering? Are you philosophical and mind-blowingly brilliant?

If you have a one liner, write it down. You’re going to need it.

This is the most important part: Know yourself! The party isn’t the party if you’re not there. Remember that. Here are some often-observed party personas and their party etiquette antics:

Party Personas: The People we know and Love

In, out and onto the next one:

If this sounds like your style, you’ll want to hit at least five parties a night (Friday and Saturday, Thursday if you’re in college). Pace yourself and have your quick one-liners ready. Also, know whose at each party. You gotta bust in there give twenty minutes of shout outs, shotgun a beer in the kitchen and have enough attention left over to give the one liner of the night that everyone’s going to wall post about the next day.

This persona is not for the faint of heart and few have had 100% success. Be prepared.

Keg Stand:

Keg Stand is a one party placement. If you are Keg Stand then the party might very well be at your own house. You own the party. You are there for the start and you pass out before the end. But while you’re up, you are on fire. Keg Stand is the spectacle all-night; drinking harder, planning the play list and being the entertainment. You will probably have a thirty-rack box helmet on for the latter half of the night.

Once again, this is a hard persona with an intended rocky end to the night and an even rockier morning. Be prepared.

“I’ll be on the porch”:

Here is another one for the introverts. As the name implies, if this is you, you’ll be on the porch. This guy/gal is always ready to say some crazy stuff. Philosophy, art, religion, music, politics, the cosmos; anything can come out. If this is you, you think big and you think even bigger after two Jack and Cokes or two Pabst tall boys, your choice.

Be ready with a pack of American Spirits that you only have for parties because you are going to be chain smoking people all night to stay out and listen to you. In the end it will pay off and your far out idealism will spread like wildfire through the party until you’re having your very own Sermon on the Mount.

The Long Hauler:

If you’re The Long Hauler, you don’t even leave your house until midnight! You might want to catch up on some episodes of X-Files while you wait slowly working your way through a six-pack of Sam Adam’s (insert seasonal here). By the time you get there the party should be finished. Dead. All that’s left are people watching Discovery Channel on the couch, some sleeping. This is your time. You’re the life after the life of the party died. The phoenix from the ashes. You walk in and people perk up to the sound of your voice and the clink of your bag. People will stand up; then you crack out two bottles of white wine. Always white wine (it’s nice and light).

The Long Hauler never leaves, as the party is always with them. After watching the sunrise, a Long Hauler will go as far as offering to buy everyone breakfast (don’t worry, it will be a small group). Note, if you are unwilling, slip out unnoticed like a phantom; you’ve already made your mark, breakfast is just icing on the cake anyway.

Whipped cream may or may not come out with the Long Hauler.

The party is what you make it. Just make sure you; be yourself, do your thing and leave at the right time. You’ll know when you did.

Adam Hogue I discovered Neil Young and Green Day at the same time. My '96 Subaru Legacy died in Keene, New Hampshire. I wrote this magical realism piece last year that got published and now I am in South Korea listening to people in a different language.

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